then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
