the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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