i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
