I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
