You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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