5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
