I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
