never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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