I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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