There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
