You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
