It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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