no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
