I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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