Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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