I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
