I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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