My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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