I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
