If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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