You smell like stripper and shame
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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