i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
