i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
