today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
