remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
