I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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