I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I think I won the penis lottery.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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