Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
