i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
