Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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