Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
