If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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