I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
