You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
