hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
