im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
