someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
