Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
