yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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