I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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