Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
