My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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