Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
