i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
