I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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