Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
