can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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