I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
