is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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