I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
