Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
