so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
